Ninny's Thoughts/Lessons

My faves

2009-03-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Current favorite Lincoln moment: 5:30 am or so this morning. you slipped in with me and your mom just before she left for boot camp workout. as soon as your mom left, you were awake and talked to me for an hour about spiderman 2 and 3. you told me how spiderman went bad and defeated the sandman. even better, when you asked me to turn on a cartoon and i told you they were sleeping. you just giggled and said if we turned them on we could watch them sleeping in their beds. you are such a ham.

current favorite Abel moment: singing with you all the time. you will bust out into song all the time now. it's so cute. i especially love that you sing carpenter's close to you with me. even better, when you finally kissed me back for the first time the other day. i love the "mmmaahh" sound effects. you are adorable.

current favorite Kobe moment: i love sending webkins gifts and notes back and forth with you. i meant it when i said you should come over and swim in my, i mean abel's, tweeter's pool. even better, seeing your sweet face poking out of all the blankets and stuffed animals surrounding you at night. i love that toothless smile.

i love you three so much. i can't wait to play out in the yard with you today.

2009-01-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

Hey boys! It has been forever since my last posting. It's not because I didn't have anything to say. I'll be honest though, it's because I haven't felt like saying anything. The past year has been full of some of my hardest times and they have been weighing me down. This year is not starting out any better. Lincoln, you are always asking what kind of things you get to do when you're an adult but sometimes being an adult is not fun. Sometimes it means making difficult choices. I recently had to make the hardest decision of my life and even though I don't doubt my decision, it breaks my heart. I will be heartbroken about it until my last heartbeat. This past week has been my saddest by far. I woke up one morning and felt such despair that I have never experienced before. But each day has gotten a little easier, a little more hope coming back. Through this hard time, I have learned several important lessons but the one I want to tell you about right now is how important it is to have the love and acceptance and support of friends and family. I have had to rely on our family and close friends in some pretty desperate ways lately. Even though they could have gotten really mad at me or told me how stupid I have been, that is not the response I have gotten. Instead, I have heard nothing but loving words of encouragement. In fact, they have made a point of telling me how much they love me. It is such an amazing and humbling gift to not get the anger you deserve but to get the love you crave. This is what God is offering to us and it is an awesome blessing to get a glimpse in this life of what life with God will be. So please, promise me that especially when you are tempted to go through things quietly by yourself, don't. Don't deprive yourself of experiencing the love and grace of your support. Don't deprive your support the opportunity to express their love for you. I know I would consider it a joy to share in your joys but a true gift to help you carry your burdens. I hope I haven't been too difficult to live with lately. I love you all.

hanging chads

2008-09-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

i love and loathe election time. i hate it because i feel a civic duty to vote on things but then i feel an equal amount of guilty when i'm not educated enough to make that vote. it seems like the past few presidential elections have been easy decisions for me. most of the time i end up voting based on the wives of the candidates more than the candidates themselves. it's hard to get a realistic view of any candidate because they are putting their best face forward as well as trying to deny their worst which is getting hauled out by the opponent. it can get pretty horrible and usually stupid. since lincoln is saying he wants to be president and kobe is saying he's going to vote mccain and abel is barely able to say anything but obama at lincoln's prompting, i feel it might be a good time to write some things down about this election particularly. you guys can let me know how wrong or right we were when you learn about it in your history classes. you don't realize it but this WILL be in the history books since we will either elect our first black president or our first woman vice president. so i'll tell you what i have been hearing and seeing around me and then i'll tell you my take on it all.
what i've been hearing has been appalling. it is so blatantly obvious that the media is for a democratic win this year. the stars have been backing barack obama, the democratic candidate. they tend to go more on the democratic side anyway but especially so this year. the media is usually biased one way or another anyway, depending on the writers and what is popular. it's mostly opinion anyway. you are hard pressed to find any unbiased facts given anywhere. since george w. bush has such a grotesque approval rating and has become a symbol of ignorance, any republican candidate would have a hard way of it no matter what. this all usually happens but it has been so blatant it's almost funny. not quite funny, but almost. even friends and ex-coworkers have been more outspoken about the whole ordeal.
what i've seen is crazy mailings and the same commercials for both sides. signs and bumper stickers are everywhere. it seems they are all saying the same thing. we need change. the health care system needs changed. the economy needs help. no one running has any experience (except for mccain but apparently his is the wrong kind of experience). we need something new, not the same old stuff. we need to get out of the war. the other side is going to mess everything up. the other side is not good enough. apparently both sides will be raising taxes to pull off their plans. it goes on and on.
here is my opinion. obviously both sides have good things and bad things. barack does not have good political experience. he is well-spoken and i love his family. his wife is a great role model. he is a great role model. his girls are adorable and well behaved. their lives are more like our own but still high up on the scale of wealth. he can do no wrong as far as the media and stars go. but he doesn't ever say much. everything he says seems to be nuetral. it's hard to get a real opinion out of him. when he's asked how something should be handled, he goes to his publicity people and advisors and then gives a pat answer that could mean anything depending on how people respond. i like him, he's intelligent and seems nice and down to earth but he seems guarded and i don't know what the real barack is going to do should he get elected. the thing i worry about most is what kind of damage he could do with his ideas for pulling us out of iraq and how he's going to get our economy back up. biden, his vice president candidate seems to be a typical vice president but he hasn't been out there much, not yet at least.
mccain has the most experience. he is a war veteran, one that anyone has to respect what he's been through for us and our freedoms. if you don't respect him at least for that much then you might have a hard heart. he's tough and real and open about his opinions. his wife seems pretty incredible actually. they have a great family too. they are obscenely rich and live like it though. i don't think any of the candidates know or remember really what it's like to live like most of us live. when you start getting wealthy and living like it then it's hard to remember what it's like to not be able to afford health insurance for your child. it's heart sickening. the mccains are probably least likely to understand these feelings. his vice president candidate is probably most likely to understand. she is a highly intelligent woman with five children, the oldest is off at war. she has some experience but not much. she expresses herself well even if you don't agree with her. she is spiritual and she makes it known.
i don't know yet who i am going to vote for but here is what i do know. i know i will not vote for anyone because a famous person says that person is the right person to back. that's just plain stupid. just because someone is famous for movies, tv or music does NOT make them a good political advisor. they just have more options to share their opinions with the rest of us. often i wish they would keep them to themselves. no, i wish the media would quit asking their opinions. i don't care how any of them voting for anything. i won't vote based off of who the media is backing. it's hard to know who the drive is behind those opinions and i firmly feel the media should give the facts. i know opinions always slip in but they really need to try better. when it's been as blatant as it has been, it just sounds foolish. i won't vote a certain way because of what my friends say. i'm not going to vote for barack just because george w. bush has such a horrible approval rating. i don't care how much he's hated right now. i guess i'll write another blog about who i did vote for after it's all over. i hope when you boys start to vote that you will use those votes wisely. i hope you go with what you believe whether it's popular or not. most of all, i hope you don't try to make someone feel bad for their vote or opinion.
lincoln, you will always have my vote but i want a nice room in the white house.

when a problem comes along . . .

2008-09-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

hey boys! man am i worn out but i wanted to get something down before i fall asleep again and forget what's been gnawing at me lately. i have been typing up my old diaries so i can throw away most of the written ones. (don't worry, wendy. i'm keeping some of the important ones for you all to read after i'm dead.) some of them have been really hard to re-read. i've been re-living some of the best and worst moments of my life. as i've been typing some entries, i just want to grab myself and yell one of two things. some times i want to yell "you stupid girl! why aren't you listening to your instincts?" i have no idea why i would write in my journal that something or someone strikes me as a bad idea and then i would still go through with it. dumb. the other thing i want to yell sometimes is "why are you thrashing yourself so badly? stupid girl!" actually, the hardest entries to read through are when i berate myself over things that were not even in my control or when i was actually doing the right thing.
one example of this that especially pops out to me is when i was dealing with the downfall of my marriage. none of you will remember when i was married. it's true, i was married. a long time ago. the marriage was doomed from day one but i genuinely tried. there are people who would fault me for the separation and divorce. i faulted myself through much of it. i lost a lot of friends because of it. i felt they were probably right to not want to be my friend anymore. i couldn't do anything right for them or for myself. i probably beat myself up over it more than they thought i deserved. i will give you a quick and brief one-sided account of the event. i went into the marriage with a lot of baggage and no self-esteem. my ex-husband came into the marriage with his own baggage and a lot of unrealistic expectations. the problem came when i freaked out about all things physical in the marriage. i was freaking out because i felt like i no longer had a choice about the physical things in the marriage. i felt like i had to do whatever he wanted physically, even if i wasn't okay with it. that was bad because it's wrong but also because i was instantly brought back to moments of abuse from my childhood. my freakouts where painful and horrible. so i started counseling with a wonderful christian woman. she was amazing. she understood how i was feeling and knew how to fix it. i started to feel optimistic about things. i had hope for my marriage. it didn't last long though. my ex didn't want to follow through with his side of the therapy. he felt like i would have too much control in the relationship so he didn't go along with the plan. i remember my lowest point. it was early in the evening but i laid down and went to sleep because i couldn't deal with being awake. i couldn't handle the feelings and thoughts going through my mind. the next morning i realized things needed to change but that wasn't going to happen with someone purposely doing the opposite of what was supposed to help me get better. i had no choice, i had to get out of there so i separated from him. people who had no idea of what was going on were heaping more hurt on an already obliterated soul. i was such a sad little person who just needed love. i'm not saying there weren't people in my life who did love me through it. obviously i had a lot of support. but i still kept beating myself up even though i knew i my mind i had no other option.
looking back on the situation, i know i made the right decision. however, that's about where my rightness ended. i started listening to the hurtful things and believed satan's lies that i was no longer worthy of God's love. i thought no lover of Jesus would ever be able to love me. i was damaged and doomed. i listened to it and i believed it and i started making some horrible decisions based on these lies. if i had stopped the personal beatings and trusted God was taking care of me and loved me then i could have avoided a lot of bad choices. (another blog for another day.) my fault was not in getting myself out of a damaging and painful situation. my fault came from believing satan and not trusting God. this is a dangerous path to follow. do not fall prey to those lies whether they are being whispered in your ear or shouted in your face. don't be daft like i was, God loves you. there is nothing you can do to take away the truth of that love. no one knows you and loves you like God does and if you trust Him, He will take care of you and protect you. when the moments come when you falter or fall or someone around you falters and puts you in harm's way as well, His love is there for you always. ALWAYS!!
now go and journal about what's going on in your lives so that you can look back and see what you are being blessed with as well as what you are doing wrong. i promise i won't peak at them.

WOW!!

2008-09-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

hola boys! i can't believe it's been nearly three months since my last post. so much has happened since then and i can't begin to cover it all. hopefully it will all come out over time. i will be better at posting for you guys since i quit my job and now i'm going to school full time. but then there is the wear and care of abel and the distraction of super kobe and super lincoln. obviously i won't be able to post as much as i would like but still more often than every three months. anyway, there's something eating away at me right now that i want to write about tonight. i HATE when i'm with you guys but not with you. i hate that there have been times when i've missed the joy of living the experience with you because my mind has been somewhere else. sometimes i have been arguing a fight that hasn't happened yet or working out my finances in my head. sometimes i have been worrying about our fathers or mothers. sometimes i've been worrying about you. or worse, my job or people at my job. no matter what was going on in my head, i wasn't totally present in the moment with you guys and i'm sorry for that. i hope that you haven't felt less loved in those moments. i would shave every hair off my head rather than have you mistakenly get the impression that i do not think you are amazing and just flat out to-die-for boys. i love you all dearly. i promise to you now that i will make more of an effort to always live each and every moment with you. i will not let my mind wonder to places it is not physically at. i will not fight battles that don't compare to enjoying you. i will live the moment with you. i need to do this with everyone and in every situation though, not just you. i think this is even harder for a daydreamer/thinker. i often go off into my own little world and i have missed out on so much that's really going on around me. not to say that there aren't times that i need to set aside to sit and think and day dream. i need to work out some me time to figure things out. it's just the time for me to do that is not when i'm hanging out with you guys or at church (oops!) or driving (double oops!). you guys get the point. i think kobe, you will probably have the same problem. you are often in your own little world too. only your world is pokemon and ninjas, etc. those worlds can be so much fun. but it still doesn't compare to truly feeling and living the real thing. so keep dreaming and thinking and figuring things out, i will too but during my me time. don't ever miss out of the real thing because of living in your head. (that goes for me too! shame on me!)
just a quick memory moment i know you won't remember but i wish you could. tonight lincoln begged and begged to walk to the park by the school so we did. lincoln, you warned us that it was going to rain but we went anyway. sure enough, after about 15 minutes it started pouring down rain. we tried to wait it out with the other people there but it was obvious that it was not ending soon so we waited until it let up and started back. kobe and lincoln were already soaked from playing in the rain anyway. abel was pissed at me for not letting him run out there with them. anyway, kobe and lincoln found some amazing puddles on the way home and we were all wet anyway so i let abel out of his seat to enjoy the puddles. abel, you ran straight for the big puddle and sat in and it and started splashing and yelling "splash". it was too cute. i wish i had it on tape. kobe, you asked me if we could go back and visit that puddle after the next rain. how cute are you? lincoln, you were on your best behavior hoping to behave your way out of a double paddling. i think you did it too because i don't remember you getting your spank, now that i think about it. abel, you still screamed at me because you didn't want to do anything but go back to that puddle. but man it didn't take you all long to fall asleep tonight. my heart swells just thinking about you. i hope you remember tonight. i hope you can always think back to this perfect night in our not-so-perfect lives and know that you were loved and thoroughly enjoyed.

the family tree

2008-06-06T19:51:00.001-07:00

hola senors! i am going to have to learn spanish for my new educational endeavors so i might as well go ahead and start to use it. i'm really excited right now because i'm thinking of how much fun it's going to be to do the journalism thing at uc. don't get me wrong, i'm scared to death to do this. i think i'll be the oldest student there. still, this fits me. i've been so embarrassed of myself and what i really like. so scared to let people see my writings because if they don't like it then i am afraid i will feel like they are rejecting me. plus i kept thinking i know so many people who are good writers, odds have to be that i am not. but like your mom said, God has given me these words to write and i need to write them. my job is not to compare and contrast myself to others. my job is to go with what God has given me and let Him use me in the ways He has picked out for me, not anyone else i know, ME. despite being really excited about school i wanted to write about something serious, maybe even a little sad. sorry, i wish i could just talk about fun things in life but life isn't always fun and i want to be real with you boys about our history so that you are not doomed to repeat it. plus i want you guys to understand why i am who i am. obviously i am not expecting you guys to read this stuff now, you are 6, pretty much 5 and 18 months. this is too much for you right now and although kobe could read it you other two would be out of luck. i'm not sure how old you will be when you do read it all. i hope this is not the first time you will learn about this stuff. i hope by the time you read these, you will be older and able to discuss this stuff with us openly. i don't want to dwell on the bad things in my life, rather i am finding myself at a point in life where i am fascinated with how i have subconsciously coped with things. it's kind of like the older i get, the more i step away and see my life as a movie that i can watch and kind of look at a lot of it with more introspection and critique and not so much emotional outpour. is that good or bad? i don't know. why don't i explain more what i'm talking about and we can decide afterwards whether i'm better or worse?
your mom and uncle nate and uncle matt and i have had an interesting life, i think. we were the preacher's kids for most of our lives at this point. i guess we'll reach an age when it will just be part and not a majority. weird. anyway, being preacher's kids is good and bad. we got a lot of attention and presents and pies and foods and hand-me-downs from the people in the church. we also got a lot of criticism and a lot of expectations. since we always lived in small towns, it was more like the whole family was up at the pulpit every sunday and wednesday nights and not just papa lewis up there. now i know you aren't going to believe me when i tell you papa lewis was a preacher. none of you know him that way. i don't know what you will remember about papa lewis since we don't spend as much time as we would all like to with him but he certainly isn't a preacher anymore. in a lot of ways, i don't feel like he's anything like he was while we were growing up. anyway, i'm not lying. he was a preacher. i thought he was a good one. i can't speak for your mom or matt or nate. my memories of him are either sitting in the chair in the evening snoring and watching tv or preaching and preparing for services around the church. i remember one light blue suit he would wear and i always thought he was like mark twain standing up there in that suit and preaching. i don't know why i thought that, i guess it's the missouri connection and the light suit. who knows. i was proud of him though. i was proud of our preacher family. i felt honored to be part of it. while some people asked me if it meant i was closer to God (i wish), i really thought of it more as having more access to the backstage of a concert. if that makes any sense. i think all of that made it even harder for me to "see" what was going on and definitely harder to deal with. before i get to what was really going on, i want to describe grandma judy.
my memories of grandma judy are actually pretty good for the most part. i have the occasional memory of fights we had and punishments and rules that i thought were unnecessary but i'm sure she would say the some thing from the other side. but my interpretation of her is not at all what she would say. i remember thinking she had beautiful hair and clothes and jewelry. i remember thinking she had a pretty face. i remember her being bigger than she really was because she was always carrying on about her weight. if you look at pictures she was normal and not fat, not near as fat as i thought she was because she would fret over it so much. she would always say how she didn't take a good picture and she was not as pretty or skinny as she should be. her pictures from that time expose her though. she was beautiful and she was charming. the church people always loved her. she was so sweet to them and so supportive. she loved them and every church should be so lucky to have such a loving preacher's wife. she still speaks so fondly of her preacher's wife life. if i could change anything in life, i would move her back to one of our churches in that warm small town church and let her live all her days there, loving and being loved. she invested so much in them. how many saturdays we would complain because she would practice piano while we were trying to watch something. how many times she would accompany the special music. how many rolls she made for church dinners. how many women's club events did she do. how many really unique and i think incredible christmas card programs. nothing went down at church that we didn't have a part in. i mean yeah, we were always late to church but were were always there. she worked full time and had a family with four kids but she still managed to be a part of that sweet community. i think i took it for granted as much as anyone else. it wasn't until more recently that i have been to get what she did. i work full time and have 1 child, no husband, no three other kids, and i can't bear the thought of doing anything other than catching up with the housework and resting. i really have no idea how she did it all and with such grace. again, she would never admit that she did it with grace. well i don't care how she was feeling on the inside, it only matters how you carry it out and she carried it out with style and grace. she really was an amazing person. which i think is why it makes it so hard to deal with how things are now. i think it's probably what i feel is the greatest loss in our story.
now, let me tell you what happened. this will be a small sampling of the big picture. i hope you get the gist of what i'm saying. like i said, i hope we will be able to have more in depth conversations about it. i'm sure your mom and nate and matt would have other memories of papa lewis and grandma judy. i know their perspectives would show you different sides to our family life that i totally missed. this is only from my point of view. what i saw was a strong, charismatic preacher and his loving and gentle wife. what i chose to ignore was the dark side of our life. i guess it was because i only saw their more guarded appearances that i was so afraid of them. i was scared to death of getting in trouble with them. i didn't realize that my dad's strong outward appearance was hiding a weak and beaten man. he was a man trying to hide many secrets. i didn't realize that my mom's extreme desire to fix things for my dad and her desperate lack of self-esteem had planted seeds of depression and deterioration. even though i can look back and see the first growth of those seeds, it took years for the weeds to be seen for what they were.
now to the four of us. i would say for siblings, we are tighter than most. growing up, there was a weird mix of being in this together but trying to outshine the others. i would often accuse matt of being the owner of various bad things when it turned out they were my dad's. but when he was in trouble, i would feel bad for him. i couldn't stand that your mom was smarter and prettier and all around better than me. but i would follow her everywhere she would let me. nate was the cute baby of the family and i thought he always got away with more and got more than the rest of us. but i loved playing with him and watching cartoons with him. i always considered him to be my play friend. since we tend to be on our best behavior in public, it leaves our private lives at home to deal with the crap of our worst. it was in our home that i have my worst memories. memories of fights and weird visits from in-laws. it was at home, in my room, that i remember feeling my worst. it was at home that i did too much to stay out of trouble with my parents. wishing my mom would come home and rescue me but being equally terrified that she would come home and see what was going on. our home was full of shame. the worst part of shame is the secrecy it drives you to. that shame and secrecy decayed our family from the inside out. it's why papa lewis hasn't been a preacher for 13 years. it's why grandma judy lost a lot of herself, her sparkle and shine. it's why your mom and uncle matt and uncle nate and i have been so broken. but it's also why we have been so close. we went through a lot together and it has taken a long time to get through it. but we would never be so special to each other if we hadn't lost so much together.
once again i'm ending hoping your lives don't lead you through so much hurt but realizing that already all three of you have had hard times. please don't let these times harden you. don't let these times control you and drive your lives. take a big lesson from my book and don't do anything in reaction to these hard times. most definitely don't think these hard times are proof that God does not love you. that was my biggest mistake. i felt unworthy and left out. but i was wrong. God loves us even harder when we are going through those horrible moments that break us. He is right there begging for us to come to Him for unconditional, healing love. i hid in my shame from the only thing that could break the secrecy and the shame. DO NOT FOLLOW ME TO THAT HIDING PLACE. it is full of lies and heavy darkness. pour your shame out to God and let the light of the truth bring you to growth and healing. as scary as the truth can be, the shame is worst. the shame is always going to be more dangerous. i hope, i hope, i hope with every inch of me that you will all feel safe to talk to your mom and to me. do not be afraid of us. even more, do not be afraid of God.
our Father, who art in heaven, i come to you now with a grateful smile at what you and i have gone through together. i thank you for the healing and growth you have loved me through. i am sorry for ever believing the lies. i am sorry for making decisions based on those lies instead of your truth. thank you for blessing us all with moments when we can be at our best. thank you for loving us when we are at our worst. please help matt and wendy and nate and me to make a life and home of happy and safe memories for kobe and lincoln and abel. please help us to keep the shame away from our home, away from their sweet spirits. please help us to remember to pray for the lies to be blocked from their ears and their minds and their hearts. help us to be living examples of your truth. help us to love them into strong men who love You. turn this weak and beaten soul into a strong woman who loves You. AMEN

first loves and heartbreak

2008-06-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

hey boys! once again, it's late and i should be in bed but i feel the pull to share my heart with you three. i am feeling like heartbreak should be the topic for kobe's sake. lincoln, i know you have crushes on lots of girls but i don't think your heart has been broken by any of them yet. abel, tonight at the store i saw just what a guy you will be. you were strapped into the cart when another mom walked past with her little girl, just about your size and age. i didn't even notice her until you smiled and said "hi!" so enthusiastically that her mom and i started laughing and i could hear the little girl say hi back halfway through the store. you just stared and smiled at her like you two were bff's (best friends forever). but you are still trying to figure out how to speak and find your boundaries. kobe, i too had a kindergarten love. he gave me my first kiss on the lips while riding the bus. papa lewis was driving the bus and i was embarrassed so we ducked down behind the seat and that's when andy walling told me i tasted like grape bubble gum. i remember playing with him during a couple of free times at school and riding the bus with him and his sister. but i don't have any memories of him past kindergarten. i always think of his red hair and freckles and i still feel all silly about love. if kalie moving is the end of your relationship, i hope you can have fond memories of your first love. unfortunately, it only gets harder and more complicated and the fondness gets harder to hold on to when it's over. then in the fifth grade i had a short relationship with my church buddy, brent caldwell. he gave me a huge valentine card and we held hands during a youth group event and passed a lot of notes back and forth. alas, brent dumped me for some hawaiian girl. my first rejection! i know it was just fifth grade but i felt the full rejection of not being who he wanted. i had crushes and kisses and boys who chased after me then HE came to our church even though he lived a town away. paul baker. i adored him. he would come over and visit and i loved it. i loved the attention. i couldn't wait to talk to him on the phone even though i doubt we had much to talk about. he took me to my first prom and i felt beautiful. he was my first love and my first true love kiss. i wore his ring and i made out with him in his ford escort and watched him play his guitar. we went to the fair together! this was love for me. i don't remember why i broke up with him but i was distraught when he went back to his old girlfriend and didn't pine away for me. i remember going to the bathroom and crying one night during youth group because he brought her to church shortly after we broke up. my youth minister wisely told me that we broke up and he could bring whomever he wanted to church. so true. (i have another lost love story but it's for another day.) i had another boyfriend my senior year but to be honest, i was only with him because i was lonely and i knew he had liked me for years. i broke his heart pretty hard core. i still feel bad about that.
college came and it was like a whole new level was added to the game. i went to a christian college and it felt like everyone was there to get married and so dating was taken very seriously. that's when jeffery michael henson the first of many came into my life. he was my second real love. he thought i was smart and funny and he liked that more than what i looked like and i felt special for that. he took me home to meet his family and i loved them and they loved me. we dated most of the year my freshman year until he dumped me because he thought i wanted to get married (i didn't). i didn't eat for a week. i had a hard time getting out of bed and i am embarrassed to admit that i prayed for God to just end my life. just in time for summer break, he came back! i was so excited but man that summer lasted forever. i was in ohio; he was in oklahoma. when it was time for school to start again i was beyond excited. dumb me, he just broke up with me again shortly after the year started. he dated laryssa in my dorm (the prettiest and most shallow person i think i have ever met) and suzanne (a very sweet and pretty basketball star). every time i saw his car in the lot to pick one of them up i just wanted to stick a banana up his tailpipe. i tried to act like it was fine and do fun things with the girls and paint my nails and look pretty. but i missed him. a few months into the semester he came back. once again i was ecstatic. it lasted a few months before he started to to feel restless and dumped me again. i had had it. i was the most broken hearted i had ever been. i wasn't ready to marry him but i loved him. i loved doing anything with him but i was tired of getting dumped by him. a week later franklin asked me out and so i started dating him. after a couple of months, jeff came back one more time and told me i was supposed to be with him and not franklin. he may have been right but franklin didn't dump me three times. jeff kissed me one last time and i told him i was staying with franklin. well this would have all been great if i had actually had feelings for franklin. (another story for another blog) none of these compare to the broken heart i had when i realized how alone i was when i was pregnant with you, abel. i can't blame all of that on your dad. he gave me lots of warnings but i just kept thinking maybe things would change. they didn't. but somehow, having a child made everything more adult and real. i had you relying on me though and i couldn't spend the time on my broken heart like i would have liked. but even though that was the hardest and scariest breakup, it was the best thing for me. i have finally caught on to my own value. even though i have great memories of most of my loves, i never realized i brought just as much awesomeness into those relationships. but i know now. and i know to be careful who i share that awesomeness with. God has made me to be one of a kind and that's not crap to throw to just anyone. neither are any of you. God is molding all three of you into wonderfully unique men. be careful who you pick to share your time and your lives with. when a relationship ends remember that your life doesn't. use the time to learn about yourself and thank God you are one person closer to the one. for now i am so sorry for your impending heartbreaks. i now truly feel grandma judy's sentiment: i wish i could take the heartbreaks for all of you. and just now i have a confession. i have forgotten to pray for your "ones" but it is never too late. i will pray for you three to be real men who know how to love and how to be loved. likewise, i will pray for your "ones", they must be most incredible like the three of you. i can't wait to get to know and love them the way i know and love you all. wait patiently for them, it will be worth it. i love you guys.

brothers

2008-05-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

hey boys! i have to add this one little post too. just in case you don't remember, i want to remind you of something i feel is very important. abel was trying to get to sleep in the playpen in the next room but he could hear me and kobe and lincoln talking. we were trying to go to sleep too but you guys weren't having any luck. anyway, when your mom finally joined us in the going to bed fun, you guys informed her that once abel and i moved in then abel would in fact be your brother. he would no longer just be your cousin. kobe and lincoln, you guys are already the best big brothers a guy could have. kobe, you love to lead abel around by the hand. it's too cute to watch, it almost makes me cry even. you even keep track of how many words abel knows. you always want to share your food with him, being very careful to give him small bites. lincoln, you get a little rough with abel but always with the intention of saving him from doing something bad. you are a wonderful protector. you remind me of the protecting your mom used to do for me. you and abel share a special orneriness too. you giggle at each other like you have some secret plan to take over the world. you delight in his silliness as much as we do. and he is silly. i will never forget the two of you singing "viva pinata" at the top of your lungs together. even though abel can't express his love for you, i know he does love you. all i have to say is "do you want to go see kobe and lincoln and bitty?" and he runs to the door ready to go. when he's at your house and i yell for you, he yells for you too even though he can't say your names yet. and if he knows you two are around but he doesn't see you then he fusses until i take him to where you are. he is happy to just play at your side, watching your every move. thank you for being his big brothers.

2008-05-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

hey boys! well we had quite the weekend, celebrating the memorial day. your mom and i were trying to wear you guys out but we wore ourselves out more. by monday you were all getting pretty pooped too but that was two days after i hit pooped. one of the really fun things we did was to go to this little park with a little river where people were loading into their canoes and kayaks. we took a picnic lunch to the, shoot, i want to say kissing tree. maybe you called it the loving tree. i don't remember. it was the tree with all the carved names. anyway, we had lunch sitting in the sand there. we ate cherries and spit the pits out as far as we could, not very. gross. we took pictures on the tree. you guys threw sticks and sand into the river while your mom held onto your shirts to keep you from sliding down the steep bank. abel laid down face first in the sand, running his hands through it like it was the softest blanket. i think he even laid his head down on the sand but he had a huge grin on his face the whole time. we tried to find a path to what turned out to be an island. good luck finding that path. kobe and lincoln painted the rocks with mud while abel yelled at me because i wouldn't let him down to do the same. everything kobe and lincoln do, abel insists on doing. it was the best and filthiest picnic i have ever had. at one point we were walking down a path past this little group of huge bumblebees. so i said we had to pass through bumblebee alley. your mom started laughing saying we must be the most creative or dramatic family. we can't just walk past the bees. no, we're passing through bumblebee alley. earlier, kobe found some bits of tape out of a video cassette and your mom thought it was thrown away evidence of mob stuff. ha ha. we are creative. i don't know if that's because we all crave adventure so we have to turn our everyday lives into something better or maybe it is just part of being creative. maybe it's a learned trait we have all developed to deal with our hardships in life, turn them into something magical instead. i don't have the time or money to invest into that kind of therapy. to tell you the truth i like it. i think it's funny. now i grant you that it can get out of hand. sometimes what we dramatize probably shouldn't be. whatever the reason for it, i hope it makes your childhood more enchanting. i wish everyone could at least have that, an enchanting childhood. i know i fought hard to hang on to mine probably longer than i should have. but i hope you look back at your youth and laugh at the funny stories we created for you and the grand adventures we went on together. just remember that your mom and i are girls and sometimes girls and boys have different ideas of what a grand adventure looks like but we are trying. thank goodness for uncle nate and uncle matt and their male influence. God knew what He was doing when He put the four of us together. i am so thankful that i share so much with them, especially our creativities. boy are you three lucky to have us. i love you guys.

this means war

2008-05-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

hey boys! it's late for me and i should be in bed but i really feel like i need to write to you. often when i'm writing these i wonder what you will be like when you're old like me and your mom. i think that if i could have just one wish i would wish to see what kind of men you all will be. then i would know what i need to do to step up and be a better mama to abel and a better ninny to kobe and lincoln. abel, i worry so much already about how i have failed you as a parent and how i need to improve. at first i felt like i needed to love double because of your dad. now i'm realizing that it's time for a really tough hand with you to show you that i love you too much to let you be the spoiled child who grows into the man who thinks he should get to do and have whatever he wants no matter the cost to himself or others. so if you get mad at me now for un-spoiling you then so be it. i pray with all my being that this works. i can't stand the thought of what will happen if i don't. i love you too much to do that to you. i already feel so worn out and it's only going to get harder. this is why it stinks to be a single parent. i wish i could have your father here helping me to place your boundaries and keep them firmly in place. but it's been six months since you have even seen your father and i don't think you even remember him. i'm the one who has kept you away from him. you probably won't understand my reasons until or unless you have a child of your own. your dad, john, walks kind of bent forward like he's carrying the weight of the world and i think that is what drew me to him the most. i just wanted to love that weight away. but that weight is too heavy for me. only the weight of the cross Jesus died on could match john's weight. his weight is from carrying experiences before he was old enough and from the lack of boundaries by his parents. i have made mistakes in dealing with him but i have also tried everything i could think of to make it okay for him to be around you. what it comes down to is he's dangerous. the truth is, abel, your father is bipolar but he self-medicates with drugs and alcohol and sexual experiences. this is dangerous for me to be around and even more so for you. i have told him over and over again what he needs to do to see you but since he still refuses aa or rehab then i must refuse him. so you see, abel, i cannot let you be another victim of your father's crazy that he learned from his parents just like i am fighting my own so that you don't continue mine either. kobe and lincoln, even though your father is not like john both of you have crazy coming from your parents too and i pray that you all can fight it. you see, your biggest battles in life are not going to be battles with others. they aren't going to be fighting with the crazy people around you, they are going to be fighting the crazy within you. i'm sorry for the crazy that i pass on to all of you so i am giving you the only solution to that crazy. God. surrender your crazy to Him. when you lose a battle with yourself, take your wounded soul to God and let Him heal you. when you're feeling like you're fighting a losing battle remember that it's not just the individual battles, it is the war. Jesus has already died to win that war. take His cross in victory and go to sleep in peace at night knowing God has already made the plan of attack for tomorrow's battles. now go read ephesians 6:13-18. i love you, abel. i love you, kobe. i love you, lincoln.

2008-05-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

hey boys! it's been a week since i've seen kobe and lincoln and i miss you two terribly. i probably won't see you til next weekend. you're spending some extra time with your dad before he leaves for three weeks. abel, you, little ornery bear, are fast asleep finally. whew. this has been a hard week of pulling you down off of things and begging with you to stop changing the channel on the tv and trying to pull all kinds of things out of your already strong hands. you have been one busy boy so i have been one tired mama. i LOVE my life. i'm not being sarcastic either. but this is not why i'm writing this tonight. my friend jacci asked me this week exactly what i believe concerning evolution/creation. this was my response. even though it has pretty much become accepted that evolution is true and creation is not even taught as another option, i believe that neither one is provable in terms of our human need for something we can see, hear, touch and taste. funny how our sense of experiencing things is so limited and worldly and yet we use these senses as proof of other-worldly things. proof to me is that perfection doesn't happen because of things crashing into other things accidentally putting planets in perfect alignment. God's gentle and patient hands placing the planets at just the right spacing and the right angle, going at just the right speed is the only rational explanation to me. i am just a simple girl but i do understand that if any of the planets were even just the teensiest off then all of them would have crashed into each other before life even had a chance to develop on this planet. everyone who lives on this earth has to see that we have never witnessed things crashing into each other and forming perfect anything. it just causes big messes everywhere. perfection is done on purpose, purposefully placed. i could go on and on about other things in this world that have been made in perfection that just can't happen by accident.
i also believe that we have evolved. we are certainly not the same as our oldest ancestors. i don't think those ancestors were apes. i think everyone and everything has to evolve over time to adapt to the changes in the world or else it dies away. duh. we are so much taller now than the humans even just 200 years ago. i can imagine there are lot of other differences in the humans from 2000 or even 10000 years ago. while scientists can point to evolutions occurring within species, they have never witnessed something changing from one species to a whole other species. what doesn't make sense to me is they come up with all kinds of different bones and claim these bones prove our evolution from apes to man. i just don't buy it. how do they know that set of bones wasn't some misshaped person? we have all seen pictures of men that people would consider "freaks of nature". (i hate this term. no one is a freak.) i just don't think it's a wise conclusion to take one set of bones and build a whole way of life and theory of the world around it. i believe what the Bible says that God created man in His image. i don't believe that image was an ape.
this brings me to carbon dating. carbon dating is the process they generally use to determine the age of things, especially the world. sometimes it's been right and other times it's been proved wrong. yet now they give it as proof of how old stuff is all the time. since it's so unreliable, i pretty much don't place a lot of value in the carbon dating "proofs". the Bible says to God a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like day. so when the Bible talks about the days of creation, who knows what that was like. maybe each "day" was a thousand years. maybe each "day" was 30 minutes. i don't think it really matters. what matters is that God made this world. He made the heavens. He made the animals and plants. He made man. i don't really care how long it took. i only care that He loved us so much He took time to create this miracle of life. once again i find myself with no word to describe what this does to me. it wasn't that long ago that science thought this world was flat among many other theories that have long since passed as ridiculous. but God has stayed the same. so i'm going to stick with Him. i pray you all know and love our Father who not only created the beginnings of this place but also each and every one of us who is special enough to be here. don't just sit there and accept anything taught you as truth. go out there and do your research. climb the tallest mountain. sit by the ocean. lay down in a field of flowers and let the Teacher hold class with you in the midst of his amazing creations.

now i lay me down to sleep . . .

2008-04-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

hey boys! so it seems like sleep issues run in our family. uncle bugsy peed in the fridge in his sleep when he was about kobe's age. once, while sleeping on the living room floor, grandma judy woke us up screaming because of a "lady in the doorway" who magically disappeared. papa lewis snored like an old, beat-up truck. i don't remember uncle matt having sleep issues but i will tell you some stories on him later. i could go on and on about your mom and me. we always shared a bed and cuddled in our sleep but our friends were too scared to spend the night with us. first of all, your mom sleeps with her eyes half open which is incredibly disturbing. AND she talks in her sleep! i'll just put it out there, she can be draining to sleep with. i have been caught sleepwalking a time or two and screamed myself awake on numerous occasions. (at least my eyes are shut when i sleep.) don't laugh too hard because you all fit right in. i caught kobe laughing in his sleep the other night. i have had to physically restrain lincoln in his sleep so wendy's kidneys would survive the night. and abel, if your crib wasn't padded i would be very worried about your flailing body at night. now we laugh and tease but dreams can be intense and seem so real. we've all been deeply affected by them at times. your mom was just wishing uncle bugsy wouldn't go on a fun trip because of a dream involving a 20 foot spleen. obviously he still went and so far his spleen is as it should be. now when i dream, i could swear it's real life and there are times when i wake up and i am pissed that it was just a dream. and there are times i am so relieved it's over that i could leap for joy if i wasn't still laying down. one of my worst came to me when abel was about 4 months old. i dreamed we were all in my apartment and these bats were attacking kobe and lincoln and your mom and i couldn't stop them, there were just too many. i was balling because i knew we had lost you both to the bats and you were so little and looking at us like we had failed you. then the dream switched and your mom and i were walking down the sidewalk with abel and i turned around to see a large white bat following us. it was ginormous - about 4 feet tall with it's wings folded in on itself. it was just quietly walking behind us but when i saw it i felt instantly sad like something was missing. when i woke up i went to the internet to try and find out what that was all about. now if you look up dream meanings you will get all sorts of answers. some say dreams are from stresses and hopes and fears. well if you look up bats, you will find several sites saying it's a bad omen meaning death. a white bat is particularly bad generally meaning the death of a young one. well that did me in. it was 4 in the morning and i was crying from the pit of my heart, my gut. no one was up and it still seemed so real even though i was wide awake. i just stared at abel for an hour and cried like i had already lost you all. later on i was able to share it with several people and the more i said it out loud the more ridiculous i felt for my response to the dream. i mean here i am a whole year later and fortunately none of you have been lost to bats or anything for that matter. the only thing that dream did was cause me some intense fear for a few days. i should have called out to my Father for comfort, especially since i have long passed the days of calling out to papa lewis. i missed an opportunity of getting to curl up and let God love me back to reality. my lesson is this: while i can't control my dreams or the emotions they cause in my sleep, i always wake up. in those first few minutes of coming back to consciousness, we can all thank God for the gift of another day and then not waste that gift on passing fears. i want to talk to you more about this but it's going to have to be later. i'm tired and i want to sleep now. good night boys. it's late and you all should be sleeping right now. i am lifting your little spirits up to God to protect. i am asking Him to send an army of angels to protect you at your most vulnerable.

BRAVO! ENCORE!!

2008-04-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

hey boys! so i was looking at the yahoo news today and this article caught my attention. i'm realizing that this link won't work by the time you actually read these blogs so i will paraphrase the article even though science has never been my thing. i like it, i just don't get it. so about 10 years ago scientists caught this hum of "countless notes" the earth is giving off on a seismometer (a tool used to catch noises that even our ears can hear). the article called it a "giant, exceptionally quiet symphony". apparently this hum is too low for us to hear but the article said that "powerful tunes" have been discovered in this hum recently. so there's a constant rumble going off even when there are not rumblings from volcanoes or earthquakes or other such earth-shaking events. they're thinking maybe this song of earth is from the churning of the oceans or something called the "roiling atmosphere"*. another theory is due to these oscillations going on with huge "patches of rock moving up and down" that are undetectable to us surface dwellers. so they recently realized these oscillations are ring-shaped. there are other aspects to this discovery that i don't understand, something spherical as opposed to the ring-shaped stuff. i didn't get that part of it, you guys probably would. but now they're trying to figure out what unseen pressure is bearing down on these rocks to cause these oscillations. some theories are the sun, atmospheric pressure of some sort, pressures of the oceans but the scientists are excited to figure it out to better understand how the land/air/oceans all interact. however, i have a theory of my own. as it says in the bible, even if we don't sing out in praise to God the rocks and the trees will. this "giant, exceptionally quiet symphony" is being given every moment in honor of The Creator. it serves no other purpose but to worship the One who breathed life into the very core of this world. my soul is joining in with the hum and my hope is that yours are too.
*it seems roiling atmosphere is similar to a boiling pot. who knew!
p.s. i wrote this yesterday and this morning i wake up to a slight tremor of an earthquake. the last one i remember happening was like 25 years ago. anyway, it still scared me even though it was minor. i almost grabbed abel to stand in the doorway but it stopped. before that i was feeling nervous about the day so who knows what the day holds. maybe i'm being silly. it could be this little tremor is all that's going to happen today. it could be there's more in store. no matter what, i hope we all remember to sing along with the earth's hum today.

Too Heavy to Carry

2008-04-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

In the first post, I mentioned a suitcase too heavy to carry. Two years ago I was given the autobiography of Corrie ten Boom to read. (It's amazing, you should all read it if you haven't yet.) One part of the story really stuck out for me so I'm going to paraphrase it.* Corrie was a Dutch woman who lived through the Holocaust.** In it, she tells of a loving and innocent life her parents and family were able to provide for her. The part that really struck me was when she, at a fairly young age, accompanied her father on the train for some business. She had recently started to see and hear about some things dealing with sex that she didn't understand because she hadn't had any experiences. Her father wisely picked up his very heavy suitcase and asked Corrie to take it. She had a really hard time holding it up because it was so heavy. Then he asked her what kind of father he would be if he let her carry a suitcase full of things too heavy for her. She understood at that moment that what she was wanting to know was too much for her to deal with and her father was lovingly protecting her. She could trust that her parents would teach her what she needed to know when she was ready to know it. Innocence does not last long and while information is easily forgotten, knowledge of things is not. My first prayer for all of your lives is that those of us who love you all the most will be able to protect your innocence. But . . .
Another part of the book that struck me came after the Nazi's brought all sorts of evils into her life, including putting her and her family in a concentration camp. Her parents worked so hard to provide safety and security for the family but in the end the world seeped into their home and did its best to destroy them all. With the lessons and love her parents had passed on to her, she was able to survive one of the ugliest events of world. She was able to witness humans at their most hideous and still maintained a love for God, life and others. My second prayer is this: for the moments that our protection is not enough, we can pass on to you the unconditional love of God that will help deal with whatever ugliness you will have in life.
Your mom and I both realize that while a large part of parenting is protecting you, a larger part is teaching you how to deal with life according to God's infinite grace. I love that grace, it is the pillow that catches my head at the end of each day and quiets my mind as it replays all the bad choices i've made so I can go to sleep. It is the refreshing shower every morning that washes away the bad dreams my tormented mind harasses me with at night and gives me a new hope for each day.
*Super funny thing to know: About a month ago your mom read the book as well and she mentioned that part really struck her not knowing how much it struck me as well. Ha ha, we're sisters, sisters . . .
**The book is The Secret Room. Another good holocaust book is Night by Elie Wiesel. Also watch Schindler's List.

You Three Suck - Just Kidding!

2008-04-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Boys!
Man, so much to say and so little time to say it. I've been working through about 3 blogs in my mind of things I want to tell you about. There's too much to say!!! I think today I'm going to tell you each something funny or special about you before I'm too old to remember, I'll be 33 next month.
Lincoln - You are such a wonderful creation! I am entertained just watching you breath but when you open your mouth I am never prepared for what's about to come out! Just a week or so ago I was talking to your mom in the kitchen about something. Abel was just playing at my feet. You were intent on getting my attention, 'Ninny, how much for Abel?" I just kept repeating, 'He's not for sale!' but you kept asking while I was still trying to talk to your mom. Finally I said, 'A billion dollars then.' To which you responded, 'No, that's too much. Here's a penny.' So I took the penny, not sure why you were so insistent on buying Abel. Once I took that penny from you, you took Abel by the hand and led him away. Ha ha ha, your mom and I just lost it. I still don't know why you bought Abel from me and I don't know why I just took a penny for him. I half expect you to call me up and demand me to bring him back to give him to you. I have no idea what's in store for you but I do know that you have been made so incredibly funny and intuitive and with loads of rhythm therefore it must be something amazing.
Abel - You, you, you! I love having you around. I know that God has already packaged up a lot of special things in you and every day I see more and more! I can already see you are one passionate little guy. I see your intelligence when I ask for something and you go and get it like you're a big kid! I can see your sense of humor as you laugh with me over the silliest things. I can see your temper when you yell at me because I'm not understanding what you want. I can see your independence as you entertain yourself happily. Sometimes I'll try to play with you and you will turn and yell at me and shut your door. But then you always open it a few minutes later with a big grin on your face ready for me to read to you. What scares me the most and makes me the most proud is your courage. You will climb on anything and run anywhere. Right now you love to stand at the top of the plastic slide, no hands, and smile at me like you are about to jump out of an airplane. I can see in your eyes that you are not afraid of anything! I'm already cringing at the thought of the broken bones I'm going to have to face with you. God most certainly has a major adventure in store for you and I am anxious and excited to be a part of that adventure at least for the time I will be a part of it.
Kobe - the grown-up, video-game-loving, intelligent and sensitive wonder! You are a marvel, great at everything you do! I used to let you win video games sometimes but now I try my hardest to beat you and can't! About a month ago your mom, Uncle Matt and Uncle Nate and I were all sincerely trying to beat you at the Wii and you still kept kicking our butts. Your mom is incredibly competitive and I actually witnessed her getting mad at you because you kept beating all of us. She actually almost cussed you out even. Ha ha, you are so fun to be around. You love the games so much, you live in them. I don't think there's ever a moment you just sit still. You jump around and kick and make video game sounds. You try to pull us all into your video game in your head. I am pretty sure you will be creating them before too long. Your heart is just as big as your smarts though. That's what makes you a wonder. Recently your mom told me you all were listening to song about making an ugly woman your wife. You told her that you and Kallie decided to be girlfriend and boyfriend together. You said you would never MAKE someone be with you. You're six. How do you understand that already? I am so excited to see what you do with life. Just as God has great plans for Lincoln and Abel, yours will be a gift to behold. I get chills just thinking about it!
I thank God every day for the opportunity to know the three of you. I feel humbly blessed to get to pour love on you all. God's plan for my own life is surprising me as I get to love on you all. I hope wherever you are at my age, you will be as blessed as I am! (I also hope you aren't putting me and your mom in nursing homes, but if you are I want the bed by the window.) I love you boys and I always will.

HURT

2008-03-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Boys! It must be a day of miracles because two of them are happening today. The first is I'm writing another blog less than a week after the last. That is nothing short of amazing. The other is that I have survived one of my hardest weeks of heck on earth. I've been living the "grown-up" version of mean girls* for about 3 months now, maybe a little longer. (I put grown-up in quotes because I'm using that term loosely.) I could tell you hundreds of stories of things that have been happening to me at my current job but I'm going to limit it to one. This one actually occurred last week and I'm changing the names to protect the not-so-innocents. I have been sharing a castle with Princess Peabrain and Lady Looselips. Princess Peabrain and Lady Looselips love to spread gossip, even things that are ridiculous. It's not just gossip, they are vicious. The things that I have heard come out of their mouths could rival the meanest of bullies from any junior high gym class. They don't just stop at spreading gossip, Princess Peabrain loves to create her own version not at all based on reality and even admits it to people but many of the people have been charmed by her flirty smile and wooing words. Since I pointed out Princess Peabrain's lies to her, she has decided to crown me the new witch in our little bit of land. After spreading lies and gossip and partial conversations to the people in our land, she had the audacity to tell Lady Looselips in front of me that people (me) need to make her last week at work easy for her because she's had a hard time lately. Right, it's very hard work belittling others. (As background she was given notice to find a new land to "rule" over because she couldn't make it into the castle half the time for i don't know why because she never told the truth about that but I certainly have some pretty good theories which I'll share with you when you are all older and will understand better if you want to know.) Anyway, I used to get along with Princess Peabrain and Lady Looselips but Princess Peabrain does not like to hear the truth and refuses to see it because she has too many hurtful truths in her life to deal. She prefers to create a false sense of being better than anyone who would challenge that in fact she is not better than anyone else, not even the "know-it-all witch" (me). Lady Looselips just likes some good drama and whoever will share the drama with her is her new best friend. It frees her from having to deal with any real issues she has. Since I wouldn't talk about other people and Princess Peabrain did, you can imagine who she picked to side with. So after dealing with months of one day being ignored, one day being purposefully left out of conversations, one day being talked about every time I leave the castle, to being lied about, to being verbally picked on - I am finding myself at the end of my reserves. I tried all kinds of approaches to deal with this. I ignored it and still tried to work. I tried to not talk at all except for work stuff. In the past I would fight back but not this time. I tried to go in there praying but the darkness in the castle would always overwhelm this soul of mine. Slowly I have felt this darkness growing inside me as it gets harder and harder to keep forgiving them their trespasses against me. Reading back on what I've written, I can see that this seems really silly. It's hard to imagine that things could be like that for an adult and really be that bad. Some would tell me that Jesus was killed and taunted by others for nothing and he loved them and forgave them. But this doesn't make me feel better. What does make me feel better is that even though some would say this is petty, God the King of all the lands is saddened by it all too. He hurts for me when I hurt whether it's my own fault or others. He is also hurting for Princess Peabrain and Lady Looselips, for the hurts that cause them to hurt others. Just as His grace can cover them for the hurts they cause, it covers me for the forgiveness I'm lacking right now. His loving, gentle hands will soften my heart with time and prayer and this will all be a funny movie that will make me rich one day. (Just kidding about the movie part, maybe.)
*This is a movie that came out I believe around 2002 or so. It's a Lyndsay Lohan movie that Tina Fey wrote. It's actually a good movie so you guys should check it out.

Simple

2008-03-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hey boys! Once again it's been months since my last post. Abel, you are taking your nap as I type. Kobe & Lincoln, you are on your way back from Florida with your mom, you lucky ducks! Abel and I have missed you all terribly this week. It just doesn't seem right to not see you at least once this past week. I'm so glad you guys got to go to the ocean though. I can't wait for our big trip in June. That will be amazing!

As I'm sitting here putting off cleaning the house, I've been trying to come up with ways to cut back. We just finished this big "Consumed" series at church and I feel incredibly touched by this series. So many lessons have been taught to me in the past six weeks, probably too many to include in this blog but I'm doing it anyway so this one will be long. Sorry.

It started the first Sunday when they took our polaroid pictures. We wrote down our names and they were shipped to Mamelodi for the spiritually rich people to pray for us here in America. We may be financially richer and we may have pictures of them on our fridges because we send money each month to support them. They are spiritually richer and now they have pictures of us on their fridges as they pray for us to be consumed by God and not by the treasures we have stored for ourselves on earth. Wendy and I were so profoundly humbled. Every time I see pictures of them holding our pictures with tears streaming down their faces as they pray for us I am touched beyond words. I cannot express it. I hope that sometime in your lives you all get to feel that kind of humility. It's the kind that knocks you prostrate bare before God.

Before the series started I was already trying to give what I could of my possessions. I don't hold on to Abel's clothes and toys. I try to pass it on to other moms and babies who need it. (I have a kept a couple of favorite clothing items for you, Abel.) Anyway, someone at work asked me why I would pass on Abel's carseat/stroller and clothes and toys, and all the other baby things. She's been holding her kid's things for years now in case she has another one. I could hang on to it all in the hopes that God brings me and Abel a special man and more babies but if someone has a need then that surpasses hanging on to something HOPING i will get to use it again. It's such a waste. Don't hoard your stuff. There's always more stuff that seems to take the place of the stuff you give away.

Another lesson I learned is you can always find money somewhere in your budget to give. Even if you are a single parent on a very limited budget, there is ALWAYS something there to give and someone who needs it more than you. I have a car that runs even though it's part of the junky car club, the bills will be paid this month, and we have food and clothes. Everything else is extra and we have lots of extra to share.

Finally, my hardest lesson was my ipod lesson. In the midst of the series my ipod broke. Let me tell you, a day at work without a working ipod sounded like torture to me. I got mine wet and it wouldn't play, it gave me the dead ipod picture and I was devestated. I was depressed all day at work. I sat in my seat and pouted because I didn't have my ipod to listen to my podcosts. I can't afford a new one. The one I have was purchased before Abel even existed. As I crawled into bed that night I felt so incredibly stupid. I wasted a day pouting and being down over an object that was going to break at some point anyway. But I was depressed over a stupid little piece of equipment breaking because it meant that now I had to actually talk to my peeps on my bus and the folks in the office. I couldn't pretend to be listening to my ipod to avoid awkward conversations with strangers or the increasingly uncomfortable situation in my office at work. Once I accepted that I needed to be more open to conversating with others, miraculously my ipod has slowly started working again. Hmm, curious. I try to limit my ipod time at work and I try to not to use it when I'm on the bus. I still have my days when I don't want to play with others but our time here on earth is limited and meant to be used connecting with others. Get rid of the stuff that gets in your way of that.

I can't wait to spend Easter with you all tomorrow even if you will be tan while me and Abel are ghost-like. Listen to this song - http://www.crossroads.net/downloads/playMedia.php?idMedia=558

Hide N Seek

2007-12-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

Hey boys
It's been a while, I know but give me a break. I'm a single mom with a full time job and three boys I love to hang out with. I haven't had a lot of time for this. I will try to make time though. (Plus Megan put the heat on me to write another entry.) Anyway, there's so much I want to tell you about but I'm going to try to stick with what's on my heart the most at this moment. This would be a little game of hide n seek. Abel, you haven't caught on to the fun of this game yet but I'm trying to be patient and wait for the day you want to play too. Kobe & Lincoln, we've shared tons and tons of hide n seek games, especially at the house on north bend. Do you remember how I would hide on the back stairs or in the coat closet or behind the basement door? You guys would be running around and I would jump out and scare the dickens out of you! Ha ha ha ha, I'm still laughing about scaring you guys. Even though there were a few times I hid and you guys couldn't find me, there was never a time I couldn't find you. Although your giggles would give me a hint as to your whereabouts I always knew where to look to find you. You guys always hid in the same places. Sometimes you would even run out to me before I could even pull you out and tickle you and chase you down. Today I am reminded that once again I have been playing the hide n seek with God. Playing hide n seek with God isn't as much fun though. I was getting really close to God but then there was the day, the super hard day, a month ago when I didn't want to go to God for my comfort. I wanted to get my answers from people around me, and not even people I should go to for answers. (You need to be very careful who you go to for advice - another blog for another day.) I wanted to actually hear with my human ears the words I wanted to be comforted with. Since that day I've been going on with my schedule but trying to hide from God. Today I have been reminded that just like you couldn't really hide from me, I can't really hide from God either. There is nothing that I think, feel, hear, see, taste, say, touch, nowhere I go that He doesn't know about. He even knew before that I was going to. When I am feeling close to Him then I am very comforted. But when I am not doing what I should be doing, this can bring fear and guilt. Do not be afraid of these moments. Do not cower and try to hide more. Come out and meet Him. Tell Him you are sorry for making yet another mistake. Talk to Him about the mistake you made and why you did it. He is our loving father who wants to talk to us about everything, good and bad. He is also a forgiving father who wants to pour out His grace and forgiveness over us. This is just what I've been reminded of today. I love you guys.

how did this happen?

2007-10-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to stay up and make sure i don't sleep through a tornado warning, eek. in fact wendy's tv has now gone out & it's up to me to catch the warning to go to the basement. so i thought this was as good a time as any to start blogging like everyone else has been doing since the internet began. which for you boys is forever because it's been around your whole lives. for me it's only been about 15 years or so. i wanted to start writing down my thoughts to share with you when you're all old enough to "carry this suitcase" (i'll explain this in another blog). while i have amazing conversations with all of you, these are thoughts that i have in private times and i want to pass them on to you three some day.
one day you will all get your driver's licenses. when you get comfortable with driving, you may on occasion find yourselves daydreaming while driving. this will be especially true for kobe. then as you pull into your destination it will dawn on you that you have been driving and obeying all of the road rules but you won't remember the trip because you were in your own world. you might wonder to yourself, how did i get here? this has been me a lot lately. inside i still feel 12 years old. i feel like a child who keeps learning all of this stuff and working and having life experiences but never moving on to the next grade. when i look in the mirror i am most definitely not 12; i am 32. i have moved on through many stages in life and i keep wondering how did i get to this place.
for instance, abel, your arrival in my life already 10 months ago. i had given up the idea of having my own several years ago. i didn't even think i could (another blog for the future). i was even telling my officemates while i was pregnant with you that i would never have children of my own and i was okay with that. then i found you growing in my center and i could not believe it. i had to remind myself every day that you were there and growing. it's been so surreal at each and every step of the way, through the pregnancy, through the birth, through your first year. i hear you coughing in your crib in the next room and your existence still takes me by surprise. the best part of my day is pulling into cat's driveway way so blessed that God has granted us more time together. i just don't know how i went from being 12 years old to being your mother.
one of the hardest situations in my life to grasp is grandma judy. i don't remember a whole lot from my childhood. i think most of my memories are from what other people have told me. i don't know how close i was to grandma judy when she was my age and raising four kids. especially, i don't remember how we transitioned from her being the parent to your mom and uncle nate and uncle matt and me being the parents to her. it's such a weird station in life to feel 12 and feel like a parent to your parent. she has had some physical and mental issues for a while now and even though she resists our "parenting" just like we resisted hers, i still feel like i'm the responsible one now. i need to take her car away from her because she can't really drive anymore or shouldn't. i need to find a place without stairs for her to live. i need to get control of her checking account so that she won't overdraw it anymore. i need to ride the bus with her so she feels comfortable taking it. i need to call and see about getting her a scooter. i have become her parent but i'm still sitting here in my darkened house, listening to the storm and jumping over every little noise and creak because secretly i'm still afraid of the dark. once again it hits me, how did i become a parent to my parent, a mother to my child, a ninny to my amazing nephews and still feel like the 12 year old girl who is shaking on the inside because i'm just as scared as all of you? the answer is i am really a 32 year old woman who has lived through enough storms to know that even when i'm scared and shaking and panic-stricken, God is here with all of us. He has walked with me through all the other storms and He's here with us through this one too. while i may need to keep my game face on for you guys, i don't need to keep it on with Him. He knows how i'm feeling anyway and he loves this 32 year old woman who feels and sometimes acts like a 12 year old girl.