this means war

hey boys! it's late for me and i should be in bed but i really feel like i need to write to you. often when i'm writing these i wonder what you will be like when you're old like me and your mom. i think that if i could have just one wish i would wish to see what kind of men you all will be. then i would know what i need to do to step up and be a better mama to abel and a better ninny to kobe and lincoln. abel, i worry so much already about how i have failed you as a parent and how i need to improve. at first i felt like i needed to love double because of your dad. now i'm realizing that it's time for a really tough hand with you to show you that i love you too much to let you be the spoiled child who grows into the man who thinks he should get to do and have whatever he wants no matter the cost to himself or others. so if you get mad at me now for un-spoiling you then so be it. i pray with all my being that this works. i can't stand the thought of what will happen if i don't. i love you too much to do that to you. i already feel so worn out and it's only going to get harder. this is why it stinks to be a single parent. i wish i could have your father here helping me to place your boundaries and keep them firmly in place. but it's been six months since you have even seen your father and i don't think you even remember him. i'm the one who has kept you away from him. you probably won't understand my reasons until or unless you have a child of your own. your dad, john, walks kind of bent forward like he's carrying the weight of the world and i think that is what drew me to him the most. i just wanted to love that weight away. but that weight is too heavy for me. only the weight of the cross Jesus died on could match john's weight. his weight is from carrying experiences before he was old enough and from the lack of boundaries by his parents. i have made mistakes in dealing with him but i have also tried everything i could think of to make it okay for him to be around you. what it comes down to is he's dangerous. the truth is, abel, your father is bipolar but he self-medicates with drugs and alcohol and sexual experiences. this is dangerous for me to be around and even more so for you. i have told him over and over again what he needs to do to see you but since he still refuses aa or rehab then i must refuse him. so you see, abel, i cannot let you be another victim of your father's crazy that he learned from his parents just like i am fighting my own so that you don't continue mine either. kobe and lincoln, even though your father is not like john both of you have crazy coming from your parents too and i pray that you all can fight it. you see, your biggest battles in life are not going to be battles with others. they aren't going to be fighting with the crazy people around you, they are going to be fighting the crazy within you. i'm sorry for the crazy that i pass on to all of you so i am giving you the only solution to that crazy. God. surrender your crazy to Him. when you lose a battle with yourself, take your wounded soul to God and let Him heal you. when you're feeling like you're fighting a losing battle remember that it's not just the individual battles, it is the war. Jesus has already died to win that war. take His cross in victory and go to sleep in peace at night knowing God has already made the plan of attack for tomorrow's battles. now go read ephesians 6:13-18. i love you, abel. i love you, kobe. i love you, lincoln.