hanging chads

i love and loathe election time. i hate it because i feel a civic duty to vote on things but then i feel an equal amount of guilty when i'm not educated enough to make that vote. it seems like the past few presidential elections have been easy decisions for me. most of the time i end up voting based on the wives of the candidates more than the candidates themselves. it's hard to get a realistic view of any candidate because they are putting their best face forward as well as trying to deny their worst which is getting hauled out by the opponent. it can get pretty horrible and usually stupid. since lincoln is saying he wants to be president and kobe is saying he's going to vote mccain and abel is barely able to say anything but obama at lincoln's prompting, i feel it might be a good time to write some things down about this election particularly. you guys can let me know how wrong or right we were when you learn about it in your history classes. you don't realize it but this WILL be in the history books since we will either elect our first black president or our first woman vice president. so i'll tell you what i have been hearing and seeing around me and then i'll tell you my take on it all.
what i've been hearing has been appalling. it is so blatantly obvious that the media is for a democratic win this year. the stars have been backing barack obama, the democratic candidate. they tend to go more on the democratic side anyway but especially so this year. the media is usually biased one way or another anyway, depending on the writers and what is popular. it's mostly opinion anyway. you are hard pressed to find any unbiased facts given anywhere. since george w. bush has such a grotesque approval rating and has become a symbol of ignorance, any republican candidate would have a hard way of it no matter what. this all usually happens but it has been so blatant it's almost funny. not quite funny, but almost. even friends and ex-coworkers have been more outspoken about the whole ordeal.
what i've seen is crazy mailings and the same commercials for both sides. signs and bumper stickers are everywhere. it seems they are all saying the same thing. we need change. the health care system needs changed. the economy needs help. no one running has any experience (except for mccain but apparently his is the wrong kind of experience). we need something new, not the same old stuff. we need to get out of the war. the other side is going to mess everything up. the other side is not good enough. apparently both sides will be raising taxes to pull off their plans. it goes on and on.
here is my opinion. obviously both sides have good things and bad things. barack does not have good political experience. he is well-spoken and i love his family. his wife is a great role model. he is a great role model. his girls are adorable and well behaved. their lives are more like our own but still high up on the scale of wealth. he can do no wrong as far as the media and stars go. but he doesn't ever say much. everything he says seems to be nuetral. it's hard to get a real opinion out of him. when he's asked how something should be handled, he goes to his publicity people and advisors and then gives a pat answer that could mean anything depending on how people respond. i like him, he's intelligent and seems nice and down to earth but he seems guarded and i don't know what the real barack is going to do should he get elected. the thing i worry about most is what kind of damage he could do with his ideas for pulling us out of iraq and how he's going to get our economy back up. biden, his vice president candidate seems to be a typical vice president but he hasn't been out there much, not yet at least.
mccain has the most experience. he is a war veteran, one that anyone has to respect what he's been through for us and our freedoms. if you don't respect him at least for that much then you might have a hard heart. he's tough and real and open about his opinions. his wife seems pretty incredible actually. they have a great family too. they are obscenely rich and live like it though. i don't think any of the candidates know or remember really what it's like to live like most of us live. when you start getting wealthy and living like it then it's hard to remember what it's like to not be able to afford health insurance for your child. it's heart sickening. the mccains are probably least likely to understand these feelings. his vice president candidate is probably most likely to understand. she is a highly intelligent woman with five children, the oldest is off at war. she has some experience but not much. she expresses herself well even if you don't agree with her. she is spiritual and she makes it known.
i don't know yet who i am going to vote for but here is what i do know. i know i will not vote for anyone because a famous person says that person is the right person to back. that's just plain stupid. just because someone is famous for movies, tv or music does NOT make them a good political advisor. they just have more options to share their opinions with the rest of us. often i wish they would keep them to themselves. no, i wish the media would quit asking their opinions. i don't care how any of them voting for anything. i won't vote based off of who the media is backing. it's hard to know who the drive is behind those opinions and i firmly feel the media should give the facts. i know opinions always slip in but they really need to try better. when it's been as blatant as it has been, it just sounds foolish. i won't vote a certain way because of what my friends say. i'm not going to vote for barack just because george w. bush has such a horrible approval rating. i don't care how much he's hated right now. i guess i'll write another blog about who i did vote for after it's all over. i hope when you boys start to vote that you will use those votes wisely. i hope you go with what you believe whether it's popular or not. most of all, i hope you don't try to make someone feel bad for their vote or opinion.
lincoln, you will always have my vote but i want a nice room in the white house.

when a problem comes along . . .

hey boys! man am i worn out but i wanted to get something down before i fall asleep again and forget what's been gnawing at me lately. i have been typing up my old diaries so i can throw away most of the written ones. (don't worry, wendy. i'm keeping some of the important ones for you all to read after i'm dead.) some of them have been really hard to re-read. i've been re-living some of the best and worst moments of my life. as i've been typing some entries, i just want to grab myself and yell one of two things. some times i want to yell "you stupid girl! why aren't you listening to your instincts?" i have no idea why i would write in my journal that something or someone strikes me as a bad idea and then i would still go through with it. dumb. the other thing i want to yell sometimes is "why are you thrashing yourself so badly? stupid girl!" actually, the hardest entries to read through are when i berate myself over things that were not even in my control or when i was actually doing the right thing.
one example of this that especially pops out to me is when i was dealing with the downfall of my marriage. none of you will remember when i was married. it's true, i was married. a long time ago. the marriage was doomed from day one but i genuinely tried. there are people who would fault me for the separation and divorce. i faulted myself through much of it. i lost a lot of friends because of it. i felt they were probably right to not want to be my friend anymore. i couldn't do anything right for them or for myself. i probably beat myself up over it more than they thought i deserved. i will give you a quick and brief one-sided account of the event. i went into the marriage with a lot of baggage and no self-esteem. my ex-husband came into the marriage with his own baggage and a lot of unrealistic expectations. the problem came when i freaked out about all things physical in the marriage. i was freaking out because i felt like i no longer had a choice about the physical things in the marriage. i felt like i had to do whatever he wanted physically, even if i wasn't okay with it. that was bad because it's wrong but also because i was instantly brought back to moments of abuse from my childhood. my freakouts where painful and horrible. so i started counseling with a wonderful christian woman. she was amazing. she understood how i was feeling and knew how to fix it. i started to feel optimistic about things. i had hope for my marriage. it didn't last long though. my ex didn't want to follow through with his side of the therapy. he felt like i would have too much control in the relationship so he didn't go along with the plan. i remember my lowest point. it was early in the evening but i laid down and went to sleep because i couldn't deal with being awake. i couldn't handle the feelings and thoughts going through my mind. the next morning i realized things needed to change but that wasn't going to happen with someone purposely doing the opposite of what was supposed to help me get better. i had no choice, i had to get out of there so i separated from him. people who had no idea of what was going on were heaping more hurt on an already obliterated soul. i was such a sad little person who just needed love. i'm not saying there weren't people in my life who did love me through it. obviously i had a lot of support. but i still kept beating myself up even though i knew i my mind i had no other option.
looking back on the situation, i know i made the right decision. however, that's about where my rightness ended. i started listening to the hurtful things and believed satan's lies that i was no longer worthy of God's love. i thought no lover of Jesus would ever be able to love me. i was damaged and doomed. i listened to it and i believed it and i started making some horrible decisions based on these lies. if i had stopped the personal beatings and trusted God was taking care of me and loved me then i could have avoided a lot of bad choices. (another blog for another day.) my fault was not in getting myself out of a damaging and painful situation. my fault came from believing satan and not trusting God. this is a dangerous path to follow. do not fall prey to those lies whether they are being whispered in your ear or shouted in your face. don't be daft like i was, God loves you. there is nothing you can do to take away the truth of that love. no one knows you and loves you like God does and if you trust Him, He will take care of you and protect you. when the moments come when you falter or fall or someone around you falters and puts you in harm's way as well, His love is there for you always. ALWAYS!!
now go and journal about what's going on in your lives so that you can look back and see what you are being blessed with as well as what you are doing wrong. i promise i won't peak at them.