when a problem comes along . . .

hey boys! man am i worn out but i wanted to get something down before i fall asleep again and forget what's been gnawing at me lately. i have been typing up my old diaries so i can throw away most of the written ones. (don't worry, wendy. i'm keeping some of the important ones for you all to read after i'm dead.) some of them have been really hard to re-read. i've been re-living some of the best and worst moments of my life. as i've been typing some entries, i just want to grab myself and yell one of two things. some times i want to yell "you stupid girl! why aren't you listening to your instincts?" i have no idea why i would write in my journal that something or someone strikes me as a bad idea and then i would still go through with it. dumb. the other thing i want to yell sometimes is "why are you thrashing yourself so badly? stupid girl!" actually, the hardest entries to read through are when i berate myself over things that were not even in my control or when i was actually doing the right thing.
one example of this that especially pops out to me is when i was dealing with the downfall of my marriage. none of you will remember when i was married. it's true, i was married. a long time ago. the marriage was doomed from day one but i genuinely tried. there are people who would fault me for the separation and divorce. i faulted myself through much of it. i lost a lot of friends because of it. i felt they were probably right to not want to be my friend anymore. i couldn't do anything right for them or for myself. i probably beat myself up over it more than they thought i deserved. i will give you a quick and brief one-sided account of the event. i went into the marriage with a lot of baggage and no self-esteem. my ex-husband came into the marriage with his own baggage and a lot of unrealistic expectations. the problem came when i freaked out about all things physical in the marriage. i was freaking out because i felt like i no longer had a choice about the physical things in the marriage. i felt like i had to do whatever he wanted physically, even if i wasn't okay with it. that was bad because it's wrong but also because i was instantly brought back to moments of abuse from my childhood. my freakouts where painful and horrible. so i started counseling with a wonderful christian woman. she was amazing. she understood how i was feeling and knew how to fix it. i started to feel optimistic about things. i had hope for my marriage. it didn't last long though. my ex didn't want to follow through with his side of the therapy. he felt like i would have too much control in the relationship so he didn't go along with the plan. i remember my lowest point. it was early in the evening but i laid down and went to sleep because i couldn't deal with being awake. i couldn't handle the feelings and thoughts going through my mind. the next morning i realized things needed to change but that wasn't going to happen with someone purposely doing the opposite of what was supposed to help me get better. i had no choice, i had to get out of there so i separated from him. people who had no idea of what was going on were heaping more hurt on an already obliterated soul. i was such a sad little person who just needed love. i'm not saying there weren't people in my life who did love me through it. obviously i had a lot of support. but i still kept beating myself up even though i knew i my mind i had no other option.
looking back on the situation, i know i made the right decision. however, that's about where my rightness ended. i started listening to the hurtful things and believed satan's lies that i was no longer worthy of God's love. i thought no lover of Jesus would ever be able to love me. i was damaged and doomed. i listened to it and i believed it and i started making some horrible decisions based on these lies. if i had stopped the personal beatings and trusted God was taking care of me and loved me then i could have avoided a lot of bad choices. (another blog for another day.) my fault was not in getting myself out of a damaging and painful situation. my fault came from believing satan and not trusting God. this is a dangerous path to follow. do not fall prey to those lies whether they are being whispered in your ear or shouted in your face. don't be daft like i was, God loves you. there is nothing you can do to take away the truth of that love. no one knows you and loves you like God does and if you trust Him, He will take care of you and protect you. when the moments come when you falter or fall or someone around you falters and puts you in harm's way as well, His love is there for you always. ALWAYS!!
now go and journal about what's going on in your lives so that you can look back and see what you are being blessed with as well as what you are doing wrong. i promise i won't peak at them.