first loves and heartbreak

hey boys! once again, it's late and i should be in bed but i feel the pull to share my heart with you three. i am feeling like heartbreak should be the topic for kobe's sake. lincoln, i know you have crushes on lots of girls but i don't think your heart has been broken by any of them yet. abel, tonight at the store i saw just what a guy you will be. you were strapped into the cart when another mom walked past with her little girl, just about your size and age. i didn't even notice her until you smiled and said "hi!" so enthusiastically that her mom and i started laughing and i could hear the little girl say hi back halfway through the store. you just stared and smiled at her like you two were bff's (best friends forever). but you are still trying to figure out how to speak and find your boundaries. kobe, i too had a kindergarten love. he gave me my first kiss on the lips while riding the bus. papa lewis was driving the bus and i was embarrassed so we ducked down behind the seat and that's when andy walling told me i tasted like grape bubble gum. i remember playing with him during a couple of free times at school and riding the bus with him and his sister. but i don't have any memories of him past kindergarten. i always think of his red hair and freckles and i still feel all silly about love. if kalie moving is the end of your relationship, i hope you can have fond memories of your first love. unfortunately, it only gets harder and more complicated and the fondness gets harder to hold on to when it's over. then in the fifth grade i had a short relationship with my church buddy, brent caldwell. he gave me a huge valentine card and we held hands during a youth group event and passed a lot of notes back and forth. alas, brent dumped me for some hawaiian girl. my first rejection! i know it was just fifth grade but i felt the full rejection of not being who he wanted. i had crushes and kisses and boys who chased after me then HE came to our church even though he lived a town away. paul baker. i adored him. he would come over and visit and i loved it. i loved the attention. i couldn't wait to talk to him on the phone even though i doubt we had much to talk about. he took me to my first prom and i felt beautiful. he was my first love and my first true love kiss. i wore his ring and i made out with him in his ford escort and watched him play his guitar. we went to the fair together! this was love for me. i don't remember why i broke up with him but i was distraught when he went back to his old girlfriend and didn't pine away for me. i remember going to the bathroom and crying one night during youth group because he brought her to church shortly after we broke up. my youth minister wisely told me that we broke up and he could bring whomever he wanted to church. so true. (i have another lost love story but it's for another day.) i had another boyfriend my senior year but to be honest, i was only with him because i was lonely and i knew he had liked me for years. i broke his heart pretty hard core. i still feel bad about that.
college came and it was like a whole new level was added to the game. i went to a christian college and it felt like everyone was there to get married and so dating was taken very seriously. that's when jeffery michael henson the first of many came into my life. he was my second real love. he thought i was smart and funny and he liked that more than what i looked like and i felt special for that. he took me home to meet his family and i loved them and they loved me. we dated most of the year my freshman year until he dumped me because he thought i wanted to get married (i didn't). i didn't eat for a week. i had a hard time getting out of bed and i am embarrassed to admit that i prayed for God to just end my life. just in time for summer break, he came back! i was so excited but man that summer lasted forever. i was in ohio; he was in oklahoma. when it was time for school to start again i was beyond excited. dumb me, he just broke up with me again shortly after the year started. he dated laryssa in my dorm (the prettiest and most shallow person i think i have ever met) and suzanne (a very sweet and pretty basketball star). every time i saw his car in the lot to pick one of them up i just wanted to stick a banana up his tailpipe. i tried to act like it was fine and do fun things with the girls and paint my nails and look pretty. but i missed him. a few months into the semester he came back. once again i was ecstatic. it lasted a few months before he started to to feel restless and dumped me again. i had had it. i was the most broken hearted i had ever been. i wasn't ready to marry him but i loved him. i loved doing anything with him but i was tired of getting dumped by him. a week later franklin asked me out and so i started dating him. after a couple of months, jeff came back one more time and told me i was supposed to be with him and not franklin. he may have been right but franklin didn't dump me three times. jeff kissed me one last time and i told him i was staying with franklin. well this would have all been great if i had actually had feelings for franklin. (another story for another blog) none of these compare to the broken heart i had when i realized how alone i was when i was pregnant with you, abel. i can't blame all of that on your dad. he gave me lots of warnings but i just kept thinking maybe things would change. they didn't. but somehow, having a child made everything more adult and real. i had you relying on me though and i couldn't spend the time on my broken heart like i would have liked. but even though that was the hardest and scariest breakup, it was the best thing for me. i have finally caught on to my own value. even though i have great memories of most of my loves, i never realized i brought just as much awesomeness into those relationships. but i know now. and i know to be careful who i share that awesomeness with. God has made me to be one of a kind and that's not crap to throw to just anyone. neither are any of you. God is molding all three of you into wonderfully unique men. be careful who you pick to share your time and your lives with. when a relationship ends remember that your life doesn't. use the time to learn about yourself and thank God you are one person closer to the one. for now i am so sorry for your impending heartbreaks. i now truly feel grandma judy's sentiment: i wish i could take the heartbreaks for all of you. and just now i have a confession. i have forgotten to pray for your "ones" but it is never too late. i will pray for you three to be real men who know how to love and how to be loved. likewise, i will pray for your "ones", they must be most incredible like the three of you. i can't wait to get to know and love them the way i know and love you all. wait patiently for them, it will be worth it. i love you guys.