how did this happen?

i'm trying to stay up and make sure i don't sleep through a tornado warning, eek. in fact wendy's tv has now gone out & it's up to me to catch the warning to go to the basement. so i thought this was as good a time as any to start blogging like everyone else has been doing since the internet began. which for you boys is forever because it's been around your whole lives. for me it's only been about 15 years or so. i wanted to start writing down my thoughts to share with you when you're all old enough to "carry this suitcase" (i'll explain this in another blog). while i have amazing conversations with all of you, these are thoughts that i have in private times and i want to pass them on to you three some day.
one day you will all get your driver's licenses. when you get comfortable with driving, you may on occasion find yourselves daydreaming while driving. this will be especially true for kobe. then as you pull into your destination it will dawn on you that you have been driving and obeying all of the road rules but you won't remember the trip because you were in your own world. you might wonder to yourself, how did i get here? this has been me a lot lately. inside i still feel 12 years old. i feel like a child who keeps learning all of this stuff and working and having life experiences but never moving on to the next grade. when i look in the mirror i am most definitely not 12; i am 32. i have moved on through many stages in life and i keep wondering how did i get to this place.
for instance, abel, your arrival in my life already 10 months ago. i had given up the idea of having my own several years ago. i didn't even think i could (another blog for the future). i was even telling my officemates while i was pregnant with you that i would never have children of my own and i was okay with that. then i found you growing in my center and i could not believe it. i had to remind myself every day that you were there and growing. it's been so surreal at each and every step of the way, through the pregnancy, through the birth, through your first year. i hear you coughing in your crib in the next room and your existence still takes me by surprise. the best part of my day is pulling into cat's driveway way so blessed that God has granted us more time together. i just don't know how i went from being 12 years old to being your mother.
one of the hardest situations in my life to grasp is grandma judy. i don't remember a whole lot from my childhood. i think most of my memories are from what other people have told me. i don't know how close i was to grandma judy when she was my age and raising four kids. especially, i don't remember how we transitioned from her being the parent to your mom and uncle nate and uncle matt and me being the parents to her. it's such a weird station in life to feel 12 and feel like a parent to your parent. she has had some physical and mental issues for a while now and even though she resists our "parenting" just like we resisted hers, i still feel like i'm the responsible one now. i need to take her car away from her because she can't really drive anymore or shouldn't. i need to find a place without stairs for her to live. i need to get control of her checking account so that she won't overdraw it anymore. i need to ride the bus with her so she feels comfortable taking it. i need to call and see about getting her a scooter. i have become her parent but i'm still sitting here in my darkened house, listening to the storm and jumping over every little noise and creak because secretly i'm still afraid of the dark. once again it hits me, how did i become a parent to my parent, a mother to my child, a ninny to my amazing nephews and still feel like the 12 year old girl who is shaking on the inside because i'm just as scared as all of you? the answer is i am really a 32 year old woman who has lived through enough storms to know that even when i'm scared and shaking and panic-stricken, God is here with all of us. He has walked with me through all the other storms and He's here with us through this one too. while i may need to keep my game face on for you guys, i don't need to keep it on with Him. He knows how i'm feeling anyway and he loves this 32 year old woman who feels and sometimes acts like a 12 year old girl.